I am writing, as a Presbyteral minister who also happens to be gay, in response to the request made for people and to write about their pilgimage since the Conference Resolutions on human sexuality were passed in 1993.

   At the time, I was training for Presbyteral ministry I was not "out", not even to myself, but felt quietly pleased and reassured about the result of the Conference debate. The last thing I wanted to see was a witch-hunt, and whilst this has not happened, I am concerned that a number of homosexual ministers have ceased to be in Full Connexion, or at least entered a sphere of ministry other than circuit ministry as a result.

   So for my personal pilgrimage. It was whilst training that I had to face facts and accept that I was gay. I did not feel any particular emotion attached to that, neither joy nor despair, it was simply a fact, and I accepted it as such. I also realised that I was not alone, there were other students in college with me who were also homosexual, and this helped me both with my own pilgrimage, and also in getting to know them better as friends.

   I was celibate during my ministry in my first appointment. However, my next appointment was in a rural circuit in the East of England. Whilst I never mentioned my sexuality there, I did meet a man who I fell deeply in love with. We were partners for a year, but I was discreet about what was happening. I do not think the church spotted anything more than the fact that I had a friend round occasionally, or that there might be another car on the drive. Indeed, one of the church stewards did say to me that I was allowed to have friends to the manse, and it was nobody's business who those friends were. Whilst that was reassuring, I could not help but think "If only you knew." Also, the question of my sexuality as a minister was quite distressing for me at that stage. As you can imagine, rural circuits in the East of England are not always the quickest to accept anything that isn't the "norm" (that may be somewhat unfair, there will be glorious exceptions to the rule, but it is not totally inaccurate.) I felt that if they even suspected I was gay, I would be packing my bags the next day. Given the reaction that I might have received had they found out, I might have been wanting to pack my bags the next day anyway.

    Rural ministry is not me, and this became increasingly clear as time went on. Eventually, I reluctantly asked to leave the circuit a year early. This was met with sadness, but a lot of understanding and support. There was, however, the question of my relationship to deal with. I still felt that I could not talk to anyone about it, and, as it happens, did not do so.

   In stationing for 2002, I was first matched with a circuit in the NE of England. Whilst I was never stationed there, my first thought was "That's me and (name) finished." Indeed it was. He and I are still very good friends, but our days as partners are long gone.

   The move to my present appointment cost me a relationship. I still have people in the church trying to play matchmaker. Would life simply be easier if I just came out? I am not sure it would. However, this circuit has been the first time that I have been able to tell anyone in the circuit about my sexuality. That person is my superintendent, a married man with 2 grown-up children, but a good friend and very supportive. In the early days of his superintendency, he and I had a chat about a whole host of things, and my sexuality came up in conversation. He said that as my superintendent, he could not condone any homosexual activity, but went on to say, as a friend, "If you're going to do anything, be discreet". I feel that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Should the question of my sexuality become public, for whatever reason, the fact that the superintendent has known for over 12 months is greatly reassuring. However, the fact remains that in 8+ years of ministry, he is my 6th superintendent, and some I know would have been hostile to the news. Indeed, one has gone so far as to betray a confidence I told him over an entirely different matter. I can never again trust him with anything else, and am glad that he and I are now on opposite sides of the country. So much for affirming and celebrating the ministry of homosexual men and women.

   At the moment, I do not have a partner, and live as a single man. Who knows what the future will be? In recent years, I have become a member of a group that is internet-based, run by gay men for gay men, with the emphasis on social activities, not on sex. It is through this group that I met my former partner, and have made many good friends as well. Through the social activities with other gay men, many conversations have arisen, a number of them being about Christianity / religion / church / faith. I have come to be known as "The vicar". It has led to some opportunities to share my faith which have been as wonderful as they were unexpected. Not everyone agrees with what I say and who I am, but given the history that there has been between the church and the gay community, that is not totally unexpected. Yet last March, a guy who has become a particularly good friend of mine said that he would be happy for me to conduct his funeral. I hope the event will not be for many years yet, but it has led me thinking that I do have a ministry to gay men. This may be a question for future ministry. I am still trying to work that one out.

So where has this left my spirituality and theological perspective? I started as a conservative Evangelical. There is much of that which I still cherish. I would not trade those days for anything. I have been a huge fan of "Easter People" and "Headway", but find that I can no longer associate with them like I once could. I haven't become a total liberal either, but I do know that my theological position has shifted, I am just not sure where to.

   Where do I stand on the Methodist Resolutions? Firmly behind them. I thank the Methodist Church for affirming and celebrating the ministry of homosexual men and women. That means a lot to me. I also thank the church for re-iterating the traditional teaching regarding singleness and marriage. Do I contradict myself there, especially in light of the year I spent with a same-sex partner? I do not think so. To me, that was a form of marriage. Mr X and I were faithful to each other for as long as the relationship lasted. The relationship did not last, but then there are marriages which do not last. Does the church need to clarify its position further? I think not. As I see it, at present, we have a set of resolutions which do not allow for an  "Anything goes" theology, but does accept the whole range of questions which the 21st century faces about human sexuality. I can live with that, and I believe that this is backed up by what my superintendent has said to me, both as my superintendent, and as a friend.

   The journey has not been easy. Not many journeys are. I thank the church for giving me scope to write this piece. It has been useful for my own purposes. I hope it will help others.

Yours in the Lord, ***